the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
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Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.