T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Always a metermaid never a meter
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.