An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
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i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife: