when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
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emergency phone
I occasionally drink every single night.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who