JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
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Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.