[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt