It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: âhey bro will you take care of me and protect me?â
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
Weâll see whoâs overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that Iâm holding.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” đ
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
reminder that one halloween i got an âunknown activityâ alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. Sheâs a nurse apparently
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, âItâs taken a decade but Iâm finally my own man.â
Heâs 14.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that Iâm so hot I shouldnât have to work