Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
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Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
October already? What’s next? November????
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag