They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
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The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.