Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
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Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter