Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
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If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Just a bush.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”