I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
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Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Perfection.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
the #horror is real!
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.