dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
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My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls