Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
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me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.