Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
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They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.