Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
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Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.