Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
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My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
How it started: How it’s going:
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.