At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”