date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
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If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way