Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
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The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank