[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
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ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
a lot to unpack here
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.