date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
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Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.