I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
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I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.