Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
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if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*