My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
You Might Also Like
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already