Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
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One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I have never related to anyone more.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Danger is very dangerous
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault