Good morning, Twitter 😊
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ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.