Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.