if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
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Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
The photographer’s assistant
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.