I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
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-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Can. I. Help. You.
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
are they though??
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.