[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
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You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Probably my best painting.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful