I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
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Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
Wikigenius
I falcon love using swear birds
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
🍞🦆
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.