“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
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The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls