I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
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Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.