always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
You Might Also Like
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
stop
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”