Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
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*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
the chicken was already gone when I got here
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up