Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
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Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.