Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
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Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter