The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
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me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Made something I’m not proud of
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Everything reminds me of my ex
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.