My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
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my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.