You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
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[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
early stone age tool
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.