Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
that wasn’t the question
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled