My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
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shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
This kid will have a bright future.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect