if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
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*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh