[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.