“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
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Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.