Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
You Might Also Like
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too