I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
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“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
And now we wait
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.