a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal