Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
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listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
this… may be the greatest story ever told
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up